reflecting on 26

So, as many of you know I turned 27 this week.  *Side note, thanks to all of you who sent me sweet well wishes on my birthday and throughout the week, I feel so blessed by all the wonderful people in my life.**

Anyways.  Being closer to 30 rather than 20 is definitely weird.  I was not the most excited or comfortable with the increase in number initially.  However, after some reflection, I realized 26 was pretty amazing.

I learned a lot this year.  Like a lot, a lot.  It was crazy & fun & hard & bittersweet in so many ways.  Unfortunately (but actually fortunately), 25 ended with some heartbreak.  Oscar Wilde is quoted with saying, "I think it's very healthy to spend time alone.  You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."  And ya know what, I couldn't agree more Oscar.  I have spent most of my teenage and young adult life in relationships, always a part of a duo, a twosome, never alone.  And while I've been blessed to have dated some really fantastic guys, I never got to know my own heart.  So 26 was the year of independence and figuring out the nooks and crannies of my own heart.  I wanted to spent time reading & listening & praying & figuring out who I am because I think it's important that I get to know these little pieces of myself before someone else could attempt to understand it too.

And you know what I've discovered?  I really like me.  Yeah, I know I might not always say the right thing or ask for forgiveness when I should or stop talking and just listen at the right time, but I'm not perfect.  And for the first time in my entire life, I'm giving myself grace.  So I'll say it again, I'm not perfect, and these days I feel no pressure to be.  I gave myself time with pain and tears and lonely nights; I wrestled with hard questions about my faith & my future & my place in this world.  And for the first time in a long time, God spoke and I listened.  I heard the promises from a loving Father telling me that I am good enough; that I was created to do good; and that no matter how many times I fail & make the biggest mess, God's grace is sufficient.  

And so with 26 and now 27, I'm more myself.  I feel wiser & steady & strong & courageous.  I am embracing community & choosing love.  Forcing myself to be alone and sit though those still nights without any distractions has been a hard discipline.  I'm an extrovert and I despise being alone.  It's hard.  And to be honest, I was also afraid of who I was.  I was afraid of the things God would reveal to me about my character.  And although there have definitely been tough moments of figuring out what character flaws need to go and all the ways I have miles and miles of ground to improve upon, God's grace is sufficient, of that I'm confident.  I can definitely continue to grow, but at the end of the day, I am a child of God, created in the Father's image, and His grace is freely given, without me having to do or fulfill or be anything else.  I'm so thankful for the year alone.  I'm thankful that I'm more aware of who I am.  I'm thankful that God has spoken to me with truth and love.  I know what I want.  I know the ways I don't need to act anymore.  And I know that God is going to continue to draw me close. So I'm alone, but I'm not...I've never been alone.  I look back on my path & see God's presence in the happy moments & the ones that still bring stinging tears to my eyes.  You see, God has been there all along.     

It's also worth mentioning that I have been blessed with the best group of family and friends in the entire world.  What God takes away, He gives back ten fold.  And year 26 was a year that I embraced community fully and realized that I have a net of friends and family who are worth more than gold.  Last fall, I needed companionship and friends who would surround me and love me unconditionally, even when I was hurting & sad & lacking direction.  I developed new friendships; I got involved in community activities that were fun; and I became rooted in a faith community that gave & loved & accepted me.  I saw God over steaming hot plates of Mexican & cups of coffee & homemade cookies right out of the oven.  I felt God and heard His voice in moments where I laughed so hard I cried or when a friend confided in me or in late night knocks on my doors from silly friends who just wanted to hang out.  God is good, and if you look...not even hard, but just open your eyes, He is in our midst.  He's in my Mom & my friends & the ladies in my small group & my lovely high schoolers at church & the sweet little lady who rings me up at the grocery.

Another thing I chose in 26 was to pursue something I'm passionate about.  Since college, I've cared deeply about human rights & the poor & the vulnerable.  Rob Bell writes, "Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force.  It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, some thing true and pure and good, something that connects you with God, with others and with the world."  Can I be honest for a second?  I was scared as hell when I got the e-mail from IJM telling me I was accepted to be a Legal Fellow in Cambodia.  My entire life has been about choosing what's easy and what's expected.  I went to law school which was probably expected since my Dad is an attorney.  I went straight into the family business which was probably expected because why wouldn't I want to work there and climb the ladder to senior partner some day. Why would I ever give up a good salary and good benefits in a place that was familiar and comfortable?  But that scary moment when I mustered all the courage I had in this little body of mine, I told my Dad I was leaving.  I stated with shaky confidence that I had decided to move to Cambodia, the place furthest from home, a place I knew would be hard and uncomfortable to do some really difficult, life-changing work.  So here I am, a year later living in Cambodia and loving it and struggling in the messes of life.  It's not easy.  It's. Not. Easy.  I've cried at their stories, literally laying my head down on my desk and allowing the tears to come & come & come.  I've seen sickening pornography.  I've seen the pictures of the used condoms & the dirty beds & the perpetrators who destroy lives.  I've touched & seen & experienced tragedy first hand. I've read their sweet names and wondered what they were like before someone exploited them.  I've seen their innocent faces. I've seen lives destroyed & I've seen hope flourish & the human spirit rise above horrendous circumstances and soar.  I can't even tell you the things I've seen that I can never un-see.  But I am doing work that is good & true & hopefully in some small way brings Heaven crashing into earth.  I feel connected to God, in a deep and intimate way.  He is my strength and quite literally the lifeline that allows me to take a breath after reading one story after another.

So what I'm trying to say is that 26 was a good year, my friends. Good and hard, but good is sometimes hard.  God never intended life to be easy, but He did intend that I grow.  And every day, I pray that I look more like Jesus and less like the messed up person who deserved death on a cross instead.  So as I embark upon 27, I'm thankful for these truths that I've packed away and am carrying with me always.

I've learned (and am continuing to learn) to love myself.

I've learned to embrace community.

And I'm doing something that is so, so good.

It is well with my soul friends.

It's not easy & I cry a lot & I miss you all, but His grace is sufficient...so don't you worry about me.  

Tokyo, Japan

We arrived in Tokyo at 7 am on Tuesday, September 23, ready for another 4 days of exploring this huge city.  We fueled up on some Starbucks coffee (we have great coffee in Cambodia, but the fact that Starbucks tastes the same all across the world is comforting when you are living abroad for a year) and hit the pavement in search of our hostel.  After about 15 or so minutes of confusion in the non-English friendly train station, we finally figured out our route and heading towards our neighborhood for the week, Asakusa.  We were exhausted when we arrived, and decided to stay close to the hostel so when check-in time arrived, we'd be close and able to rest before dinner.  Luckily, we stayed in a great, touristy area that provided a full afternoon of exploration.  First up, we visited Tokyo's oldest and most significant temple, the Senso-ji Temple which is a Buddhist temple.  It was beautiful and bustling, tons and tons of visitors were snapping pictures, paying for offerings, and burning incense.  We walked around for about a half an hour, just taking in the sights, sounds, and people before heading out to find a place to eat.  



Senso-ji Temple



People burning incense.

After lunch, we headed toward the Tokyo Sky Tree which is the tallest structure in Japan as of 2010.  It's a broadcasting tower, restaurant and observatory.  We inquired about going to the top, but were told it would be a 2 hour wait.  As I'm not one for heights, I wasn't super disappointed we decided to forgo to the sights at the top in order to explore some more of the area.  It wasn't a complete waste to walk over the Sky Tree as we found an amazing park with a HUGE slide.  Rather than let the kids have all the fun, Victoria and I both climbed the tall stairs to the top of a big steamboat-look-alike structure and gave the slide a try.  It was pretty fun!  And we got to take some cool pictures in this reflective mirror that captures the Sky Tree right behind the park.  Such a cool, artistic space in the middle of Tokyo.  Just another example of those great treasures you find when exploring on foot!



Art Park Fun 



Tokyo Sky Tree.  It's huge!

We wrapped up day one of Tokyo with some incredible food...soba noodles.  Japanese food is incredible.  It is the best thing about Japan probably.  Literally everything we ate was delicious.  We spent most lunches at 7-11s or other types of grab-and-go places just picking things off the shelf that looked yummy.  Most of the time, we weren't exactly sure what we were buying, but 9 times out of 10, we were super happy with what we ended up with!  Okay, back to the soba noodles.  We ate at this amazing, traditional Japanese soba noodle place that's been around for about 50 years.  It's very traditional in the sense that you take your shoes off at the door then sit on the floor.  We went all out on our first night in the big city, eating huge bowls of noodles, split a giant beer and a large pitcher of sake between the two of us.  We may or may not have felt a little giggly when we left :) But when in Japan....right? It was such a fun experience; there was even a geisha eating a few tables away.  We chatted, stopping every few minutes to comment on how DELICIOUS the food was, and lingered and planned the rest of the week.  It was such a fun experience.  Definitely a great start to the Tokyo leg of the trip.  



Sake and delicious Japanese beer.



My dinner companion.

Cold soba noodles with fresh seaweed.  YUM.

Day two in Tokyo was spent at the sumo wrestling tournament.  The sumo experience might have been my favorite Tokyo experience; thus, it deserves a post of its own.  We spent the day off and on at the sumo tournament, so in between we took in a few sites around the city.  Primarily, we spent most of that free time wandering around the tree space at the Royal Palace and gardens.  Living in Phnom Penh, one can feel a little deprived of fresh air and green grass so we knew while we were in Japan, we wanted to take in a lot of natural places...gardens, parks, etc.  We walked around the park for a while then took our shoes off and walked barefoot through the giant lawn.  We even laid down in the grass for a bit.  After returning to the sumo tournament for the evening matches, we left and decided to explore the Akihabara district which is essentially the electronics district of Tokyo. It's bright lights and lots of stores with tvs, cameras, speakers, etc.  We walked around (not super impressed might I add), then ducked into a tiny sushi joint that was packed.  This was the best decision we made on the entire trip.  We ate at this place twice and made quite the impression on our cute, little Japanese sushi chefs.  Although there was an language barrier, the chefs made us all kinds of new things and gave us their recommendations.  We ate our WEIGHT in sushi and spent about $10 each.  It was the best sushi of my entire life.  They also served miso soup with fresh seaweed which was incredible.  It was rainy and chilly that night so holding that warm bowl of soup was perfect.  It was so cozy and intimate inside the restaurant, and it was definitely one of the best parts of the entire trip.




Some of the sushi we enjoyed.



The sushi was fresh from the Tsukiji fish market. Yummmm



Working on our sushi.



Egg sushi, avocado sushi, and squid sushi. 

On Thursday, we dedicated a day to explore DISNEY TOKYO!  We were pretty exhausted from hustling around cities on public transportation so we decided a full day in one place sounded kinda nice.  I'm so glad we dedicated a day to Disney Sea; experiencing Disney in an Asian culture is fascinating.  EVERYONE was decked out in Disney/Mickey.  People had to have spent hundreds of dollars on merchandise; people had the ears, t-shirts, hoodies, Mickey gloves, and giant plastic characters that were actually popcorn tubs.  It was hilarious.  We stuck out because of our LACK of Disney apparel.  It was also interesting that there were wayyyy more adults than kids at the park.  Disney Sea was pretty amazing.  I didn't do a good job of taking pictures that day, but we did manage to snag a picture with some Minnie ears.  We got there at around 10 am and left at around 9:30 pm.  It was a long day, but super fun, random, and hilarious.  A day well spent.

On our last day, we just walked and walked in some electric and fun neighborhoods.  We started in Harajuku which is where the young ins' in Japan go for their crazy, cartoonish fashion.  We walked and people watched and shopped.  We found a few things and enjoyed just looking in the stores.  Japanese fashion is really edgy and crazy. I absolutely love people watching and Tokyo is one of the best places to do that!  We then headed over to Shibuya crossing which is the business intersection in Tokyo.  We sat up in a Starbucks that overlooked the crossing and watched the lights changed for about 30 minutes.  Every time the lights change, a couple hundred people walk across the street in all directions.  It is incredible!  I know this sounds super lame, but it was so fun to watch.  There is no one there, then there are A MILLION PEOPLE, then they are all gone on their separate ways.  Finally, we ended back up at our favorite sushi restaurant to chow down on one last glorious meal of sushi.



Harajuku Fashion



Crazy clothes in Harajuku



Shibuya Crossing

Overall, Victoria and I loved Japan.  I felt like we did so much but only saw the tip of the iceberg.  I would love to return to Japan one day.  It's one of my favorite countries that I've visited!  

s t u f f

In the past few days, I have found myself on multiple online shopping sites...Loft, Anthro, Ann Taylor.  I keep getting all these e-mails enticing me with all these offers of "50% OFF ALL ITEMS" or "20% off gorgeous Anthropologie bedding." I honestly considered buying a set of sheets for my bed....THAT I WILL NOT SLEEP IN FOR ANOTHER 11 MONTHS.  Houston, we have a problem.

Stuff.  Man, can I just be honest for a hot minute and confess that I am a lover of "stuff."  It's been challenging coming to Cambodia with only two suitcases in tow; I have about a 14 outfit rotation that is going to make up my wardrobe for the year.  I also have a sparse scattering of books & pictures & other personal items that make my room feel like mine. And it's hard. 

Coming to Cambodia, I have realized how much I love stuff and how dependent I am on creature comforts.  I miss my iPhone that allows me to peruse the internet at my leisure; I miss my entire air conditioned apartment.  I miss my collection of 50+ shoes and unlimited jeans, sweaters, shorts, and jackets.  I miss my two book shelves full of beautiful photograph books & interesting biographies & light-hearted fictional stories.  I miss Netflix and a microwave.  I miss Target and being able to find everything I need (and often more) in one place.  I miss my antiques & my knickknacks & my photo albums & my junk. 

Sometimes I miss it so much that I cry. I cry from being exhausted & feeling unsettled & out of my comfort zone. 

I've been really blessed to work in an environment that provides space each morning to journal, read the Bible, and pray.  And through this daily practice, God has been teaching me a lot about "stuff." I've prayed a lot about the kind of treasure that is important to me, is it the treasure on this Earth that will remain here and rot and rust and not matter or do I want to invest in bringing Heaven to Earth and storing up my treasure in Heaven? I Timothy 6:10 says, "For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.  And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows."   

I don't want my paycheck or the type of car that I drive or the amount of name-brand clothing in my closet to be the sum of me.  I don't want to be defined by my stuff.  Rather, I want to be intentional about cultivating a content heart.  Am I serving on a daily basis?  Am I loving others deeply?  Am I living in community with people who are teaching me and giving me space to grow in a mature and healthy way?  And I'm not saying money is bad or unimportant because Lord know it definitely is useful and necessary, but too much emphasis has been placed on this idea that money buys happiness.  And it's a big-time lie. 

So, I've decided that although I do want a good paycheck & steady job & a savings account to one day buy a house or travel to places I dream about, I really want the treasure in my life to be people, to be experiences, to be long conversations over endless cups of coffee.  I want my treasure to be my friends gathered around a table laughing and sipping red wine.  I want healthy relationships with family & friends & someday someone special.  I want my treasure to be sitting on a front porch with a good book in my hand and a beautiful sunset to enjoy.  I want to be in awe of God's creation and in love with the possibility of what life has to offer.  There is so much good in this world.  I want to taste it, feel it, see it. 

So my prayer is that each of us are challenged in our daily life to live more simply and not be defined by our "stuff". 

Weekend in Bangkok

Two weeks ago I got to take my first trip, and it was exciting.  We left early on a Thursday afternoon and headed to the airport to catch our late afternoon flight to Bangkok.  We had a three-day weekend, and I had a visa run to make so it was the perfect opportunity to head somewhere fun for the weekend.  The great place about my community here in Cambodia is there is always a travel buddy (or buddies in this case).  Pretty much as soon as I mentioned heading to Bangkok for my visa run, I had two quick volunteers who graciously offered to fly to the big city, sightsee, and eat an incredibly huge amount of Thai food.  

We arrived in Bangkok on Thursday evening, checked into our amazing (but incredibly cheap...perhaps because of recent political issues in Bangkok? oh well!), and headed out to find the famous Thai street food.  We started with some meat on sticks (is there anything better than just grilled meat on sticks, I'm thinking no) then graduated to a $1 noodle bowl with some kind of chicken concoction in it.  I have to say Thailand has some of the most amazing food I've ever tasted while traveling.  I felt like we ate all weekend.  Not to mention there was a Starbucks and McDonalds located right down the road, so we started every morning there.  It's funny what you crave in a foreign country because I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I had a McDonald's breakfast in the US.  Oh well, it was delicious and totally hit the spot in Bangkok, so cheers to McMuffins! 

On Friday (which was also a Buddhist holiday), we headed to do some sightseeing at some famous temples and sightseeing spots. We visited some amazing temples, had some great food, and just enjoyed wandering all over the old part of the city.  It was also photography heaven.  

The Royal Palace and Wats

Wat Phra Kaew

Really beautiful, intricate details on the temples. 



Wat Pho.  This is a giant golden reclining Buddha.  It was literally so huge. 



Please note my amazing outfit.  I had to rent a skirt and wear my coat.  Buddha likes conservatively dressed women, so I had to oblige. 



Street Food.  Shrimp Pad Thai.  YES, PLEASE.

Wat Arun



These stairs were incredibly steep.  It was quite the excursion to the top. Also, this is my new friend Shaz, the former Legal Intern who is staying for a few extra months.  She is super fun and really amazing.

Picture with the temple. 



I'm from Kentucky, y'all.  I gotta take pictures with a horse if I see one!

After sightseeing for the entire day, we decided to go to a movie at the mall.  First of all, it has to be made clear that Asians love malls.  Seriously, they are always super crowded, and these malls are nicer than anything we have in America.  The movie theatre is also pretty extravagant.  For example, for $30 you can sit on a reclining soft, with a blanket, get a free massage and unlimited popcorn/wine/champagne while watching a new movie.  And while we didn't splurge on this (mostly because it was the Buddhist holiday so we couldn't do the all-you-can-drink-champagne which would have been the best part anyway), we did check it out.

On Saturday, we went to the Jim Thompson house.  He was an American who started producing Thai silk products.  He loved Thailand and moved there permanently.  He combined like 6-something traditional Thai houses into one big house surrounded by lush gardens into his permanent home.  He mysteriously disappeared one day while visiting Malaysia and no one knows what happened to him.  It's kinda weird, very conspiracy-theory-ish.  Google him, it's kind of fascinating.  But anyways, his house has become a huge tourist stop just because it's super relaxing and an absolutely beautiful display of a traditional Thai home and gardens.  It was a morning well spent.



Spirit House.  Whenever you build, it's important to have a spirit house so the spirits you are disturbing have a place to live.  You see these everywhere in Thailand and Cambodia and probably everywhere else in SE Asia. 

Enjoying some fresh fruit smoothies at the cafe.  Delicious. 

After leaving the Jim Thompson house, we went to Terminal 21 which is a huge Bangkok mall that has multiple stories with each designed to look like a different international city.  They have Rome, London, Tokyo, Paris, San Francisco.  It is huge and super fancy and ever the BATHROOMS are decorated to match the theme.  It was amazing to walk around in and air-conditioned which was important since it was boiling hot in Bangkok.  I also bought my first "Asian-y" item.  See the picture of the fabulous, quirky shoes I bought below.  Bright, cartoonish things are very popular in Asia, so my shoes are very fashionable.  I thought they were adorable, and while I'm not sure how much I'll wear them in normal life back in the US, they were $9 and I couldn't resist.

After leaving the mall, we walked around and enjoyed another night of Thai street food.  I indulged in some kind of coconut curry with noodles.  YUM.  We finished the night at a rooftop bar on one of the skyscrapers in Bangkok.  All in all, another fabulous day in Bangkok.



Street market full of food vendors. 



Coconut chicken curry with noodles.  YUM.



Cutest shoes ever.  I'm sure Jess from "New Girl" would totally rock these.

On Sunday, we just slept in, had more McDonalds and Starbucks, then headed to the airport which ended up being a total cluster.  But atlas, we arrived back in PP late Sunday afternoon.  Good weekend in Bangkok.  I'm glad I went, don't know if I'll go back, but am enjoying the life of a traveler these days nonetheless.