reflecting on 26

So, as many of you know I turned 27 this week.  *Side note, thanks to all of you who sent me sweet well wishes on my birthday and throughout the week, I feel so blessed by all the wonderful people in my life.**

Anyways.  Being closer to 30 rather than 20 is definitely weird.  I was not the most excited or comfortable with the increase in number initially.  However, after some reflection, I realized 26 was pretty amazing.

I learned a lot this year.  Like a lot, a lot.  It was crazy & fun & hard & bittersweet in so many ways.  Unfortunately (but actually fortunately), 25 ended with some heartbreak.  Oscar Wilde is quoted with saying, "I think it's very healthy to spend time alone.  You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."  And ya know what, I couldn't agree more Oscar.  I have spent most of my teenage and young adult life in relationships, always a part of a duo, a twosome, never alone.  And while I've been blessed to have dated some really fantastic guys, I never got to know my own heart.  So 26 was the year of independence and figuring out the nooks and crannies of my own heart.  I wanted to spent time reading & listening & praying & figuring out who I am because I think it's important that I get to know these little pieces of myself before someone else could attempt to understand it too.

And you know what I've discovered?  I really like me.  Yeah, I know I might not always say the right thing or ask for forgiveness when I should or stop talking and just listen at the right time, but I'm not perfect.  And for the first time in my entire life, I'm giving myself grace.  So I'll say it again, I'm not perfect, and these days I feel no pressure to be.  I gave myself time with pain and tears and lonely nights; I wrestled with hard questions about my faith & my future & my place in this world.  And for the first time in a long time, God spoke and I listened.  I heard the promises from a loving Father telling me that I am good enough; that I was created to do good; and that no matter how many times I fail & make the biggest mess, God's grace is sufficient.  

And so with 26 and now 27, I'm more myself.  I feel wiser & steady & strong & courageous.  I am embracing community & choosing love.  Forcing myself to be alone and sit though those still nights without any distractions has been a hard discipline.  I'm an extrovert and I despise being alone.  It's hard.  And to be honest, I was also afraid of who I was.  I was afraid of the things God would reveal to me about my character.  And although there have definitely been tough moments of figuring out what character flaws need to go and all the ways I have miles and miles of ground to improve upon, God's grace is sufficient, of that I'm confident.  I can definitely continue to grow, but at the end of the day, I am a child of God, created in the Father's image, and His grace is freely given, without me having to do or fulfill or be anything else.  I'm so thankful for the year alone.  I'm thankful that I'm more aware of who I am.  I'm thankful that God has spoken to me with truth and love.  I know what I want.  I know the ways I don't need to act anymore.  And I know that God is going to continue to draw me close. So I'm alone, but I'm not...I've never been alone.  I look back on my path & see God's presence in the happy moments & the ones that still bring stinging tears to my eyes.  You see, God has been there all along.     

It's also worth mentioning that I have been blessed with the best group of family and friends in the entire world.  What God takes away, He gives back ten fold.  And year 26 was a year that I embraced community fully and realized that I have a net of friends and family who are worth more than gold.  Last fall, I needed companionship and friends who would surround me and love me unconditionally, even when I was hurting & sad & lacking direction.  I developed new friendships; I got involved in community activities that were fun; and I became rooted in a faith community that gave & loved & accepted me.  I saw God over steaming hot plates of Mexican & cups of coffee & homemade cookies right out of the oven.  I felt God and heard His voice in moments where I laughed so hard I cried or when a friend confided in me or in late night knocks on my doors from silly friends who just wanted to hang out.  God is good, and if you look...not even hard, but just open your eyes, He is in our midst.  He's in my Mom & my friends & the ladies in my small group & my lovely high schoolers at church & the sweet little lady who rings me up at the grocery.

Another thing I chose in 26 was to pursue something I'm passionate about.  Since college, I've cared deeply about human rights & the poor & the vulnerable.  Rob Bell writes, "Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force.  It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, some thing true and pure and good, something that connects you with God, with others and with the world."  Can I be honest for a second?  I was scared as hell when I got the e-mail from IJM telling me I was accepted to be a Legal Fellow in Cambodia.  My entire life has been about choosing what's easy and what's expected.  I went to law school which was probably expected since my Dad is an attorney.  I went straight into the family business which was probably expected because why wouldn't I want to work there and climb the ladder to senior partner some day. Why would I ever give up a good salary and good benefits in a place that was familiar and comfortable?  But that scary moment when I mustered all the courage I had in this little body of mine, I told my Dad I was leaving.  I stated with shaky confidence that I had decided to move to Cambodia, the place furthest from home, a place I knew would be hard and uncomfortable to do some really difficult, life-changing work.  So here I am, a year later living in Cambodia and loving it and struggling in the messes of life.  It's not easy.  It's. Not. Easy.  I've cried at their stories, literally laying my head down on my desk and allowing the tears to come & come & come.  I've seen sickening pornography.  I've seen the pictures of the used condoms & the dirty beds & the perpetrators who destroy lives.  I've touched & seen & experienced tragedy first hand. I've read their sweet names and wondered what they were like before someone exploited them.  I've seen their innocent faces. I've seen lives destroyed & I've seen hope flourish & the human spirit rise above horrendous circumstances and soar.  I can't even tell you the things I've seen that I can never un-see.  But I am doing work that is good & true & hopefully in some small way brings Heaven crashing into earth.  I feel connected to God, in a deep and intimate way.  He is my strength and quite literally the lifeline that allows me to take a breath after reading one story after another.

So what I'm trying to say is that 26 was a good year, my friends. Good and hard, but good is sometimes hard.  God never intended life to be easy, but He did intend that I grow.  And every day, I pray that I look more like Jesus and less like the messed up person who deserved death on a cross instead.  So as I embark upon 27, I'm thankful for these truths that I've packed away and am carrying with me always.

I've learned (and am continuing to learn) to love myself.

I've learned to embrace community.

And I'm doing something that is so, so good.

It is well with my soul friends.

It's not easy & I cry a lot & I miss you all, but His grace is sufficient...so don't you worry about me.  

s t u f f

In the past few days, I have found myself on multiple online shopping sites...Loft, Anthro, Ann Taylor.  I keep getting all these e-mails enticing me with all these offers of "50% OFF ALL ITEMS" or "20% off gorgeous Anthropologie bedding." I honestly considered buying a set of sheets for my bed....THAT I WILL NOT SLEEP IN FOR ANOTHER 11 MONTHS.  Houston, we have a problem.

Stuff.  Man, can I just be honest for a hot minute and confess that I am a lover of "stuff."  It's been challenging coming to Cambodia with only two suitcases in tow; I have about a 14 outfit rotation that is going to make up my wardrobe for the year.  I also have a sparse scattering of books & pictures & other personal items that make my room feel like mine. And it's hard. 

Coming to Cambodia, I have realized how much I love stuff and how dependent I am on creature comforts.  I miss my iPhone that allows me to peruse the internet at my leisure; I miss my entire air conditioned apartment.  I miss my collection of 50+ shoes and unlimited jeans, sweaters, shorts, and jackets.  I miss my two book shelves full of beautiful photograph books & interesting biographies & light-hearted fictional stories.  I miss Netflix and a microwave.  I miss Target and being able to find everything I need (and often more) in one place.  I miss my antiques & my knickknacks & my photo albums & my junk. 

Sometimes I miss it so much that I cry. I cry from being exhausted & feeling unsettled & out of my comfort zone. 

I've been really blessed to work in an environment that provides space each morning to journal, read the Bible, and pray.  And through this daily practice, God has been teaching me a lot about "stuff." I've prayed a lot about the kind of treasure that is important to me, is it the treasure on this Earth that will remain here and rot and rust and not matter or do I want to invest in bringing Heaven to Earth and storing up my treasure in Heaven? I Timothy 6:10 says, "For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.  And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows."   

I don't want my paycheck or the type of car that I drive or the amount of name-brand clothing in my closet to be the sum of me.  I don't want to be defined by my stuff.  Rather, I want to be intentional about cultivating a content heart.  Am I serving on a daily basis?  Am I loving others deeply?  Am I living in community with people who are teaching me and giving me space to grow in a mature and healthy way?  And I'm not saying money is bad or unimportant because Lord know it definitely is useful and necessary, but too much emphasis has been placed on this idea that money buys happiness.  And it's a big-time lie. 

So, I've decided that although I do want a good paycheck & steady job & a savings account to one day buy a house or travel to places I dream about, I really want the treasure in my life to be people, to be experiences, to be long conversations over endless cups of coffee.  I want my treasure to be my friends gathered around a table laughing and sipping red wine.  I want healthy relationships with family & friends & someday someone special.  I want my treasure to be sitting on a front porch with a good book in my hand and a beautiful sunset to enjoy.  I want to be in awe of God's creation and in love with the possibility of what life has to offer.  There is so much good in this world.  I want to taste it, feel it, see it. 

So my prayer is that each of us are challenged in our daily life to live more simply and not be defined by our "stuff". 

Settling

"The world is a book and those who do not travel only read one page."  St. Augustine

I read this quote a few years ago, and remember writing it down in my journal, circling it, underlining it, going over it in yellow highlighter.  Have any truer words ever been spoken?  The world truly is a book, with every chapter giving you more adventure, tears, laughter, understanding, and self-reflection.  The lessons I've learned about humanity & about myself & about God throughout my years of travel are invaluable and innumerable.  And traveling has become a part of my DNA, coiled together with all the other parts that make me, me.  That after being in one place for an extended period of time, I feel this sense of urgency to get out of my comfort zone, to embark on something new, to meet new people and try new foods, to find myself lost and frustrated and finally found again.

Cambodia.  Sometimes when I say it & let it roll around on my tongue, it still blows my mind that I'm finally here.  It truly is an incredible place.  Gritty, beautiful and tragic (mostly because of the light my work has shed on this place) all at the same time.  But I'm loving it and doing my best to feel comfortable with it which isn't always easy.  Life is good though and full of community.  And for the first time, I feel excited to go to work.  I feel like my work matters, that my education and those long years of grinding out papers, briefs, and outlines have finally paid off.  I'm prepared (as best as I can be) and am ready to have my heart split open & spill all over my paper, to work for something that matters, to bring Heaven to earth for children being exploited in Cambodia.  To play a part, a very small fleeting part, but a part nonetheless, in the incredible work International Justice Mission does.

So that's my update.  Happy & content & missing home & full of peace.  And incredibly thankful for a God who is teaching me so much and allowing me to have this opportunity.