reflecting on 26

So, as many of you know I turned 27 this week.  *Side note, thanks to all of you who sent me sweet well wishes on my birthday and throughout the week, I feel so blessed by all the wonderful people in my life.**

Anyways.  Being closer to 30 rather than 20 is definitely weird.  I was not the most excited or comfortable with the increase in number initially.  However, after some reflection, I realized 26 was pretty amazing.

I learned a lot this year.  Like a lot, a lot.  It was crazy & fun & hard & bittersweet in so many ways.  Unfortunately (but actually fortunately), 25 ended with some heartbreak.  Oscar Wilde is quoted with saying, "I think it's very healthy to spend time alone.  You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."  And ya know what, I couldn't agree more Oscar.  I have spent most of my teenage and young adult life in relationships, always a part of a duo, a twosome, never alone.  And while I've been blessed to have dated some really fantastic guys, I never got to know my own heart.  So 26 was the year of independence and figuring out the nooks and crannies of my own heart.  I wanted to spent time reading & listening & praying & figuring out who I am because I think it's important that I get to know these little pieces of myself before someone else could attempt to understand it too.

And you know what I've discovered?  I really like me.  Yeah, I know I might not always say the right thing or ask for forgiveness when I should or stop talking and just listen at the right time, but I'm not perfect.  And for the first time in my entire life, I'm giving myself grace.  So I'll say it again, I'm not perfect, and these days I feel no pressure to be.  I gave myself time with pain and tears and lonely nights; I wrestled with hard questions about my faith & my future & my place in this world.  And for the first time in a long time, God spoke and I listened.  I heard the promises from a loving Father telling me that I am good enough; that I was created to do good; and that no matter how many times I fail & make the biggest mess, God's grace is sufficient.  

And so with 26 and now 27, I'm more myself.  I feel wiser & steady & strong & courageous.  I am embracing community & choosing love.  Forcing myself to be alone and sit though those still nights without any distractions has been a hard discipline.  I'm an extrovert and I despise being alone.  It's hard.  And to be honest, I was also afraid of who I was.  I was afraid of the things God would reveal to me about my character.  And although there have definitely been tough moments of figuring out what character flaws need to go and all the ways I have miles and miles of ground to improve upon, God's grace is sufficient, of that I'm confident.  I can definitely continue to grow, but at the end of the day, I am a child of God, created in the Father's image, and His grace is freely given, without me having to do or fulfill or be anything else.  I'm so thankful for the year alone.  I'm thankful that I'm more aware of who I am.  I'm thankful that God has spoken to me with truth and love.  I know what I want.  I know the ways I don't need to act anymore.  And I know that God is going to continue to draw me close. So I'm alone, but I'm not...I've never been alone.  I look back on my path & see God's presence in the happy moments & the ones that still bring stinging tears to my eyes.  You see, God has been there all along.     

It's also worth mentioning that I have been blessed with the best group of family and friends in the entire world.  What God takes away, He gives back ten fold.  And year 26 was a year that I embraced community fully and realized that I have a net of friends and family who are worth more than gold.  Last fall, I needed companionship and friends who would surround me and love me unconditionally, even when I was hurting & sad & lacking direction.  I developed new friendships; I got involved in community activities that were fun; and I became rooted in a faith community that gave & loved & accepted me.  I saw God over steaming hot plates of Mexican & cups of coffee & homemade cookies right out of the oven.  I felt God and heard His voice in moments where I laughed so hard I cried or when a friend confided in me or in late night knocks on my doors from silly friends who just wanted to hang out.  God is good, and if you look...not even hard, but just open your eyes, He is in our midst.  He's in my Mom & my friends & the ladies in my small group & my lovely high schoolers at church & the sweet little lady who rings me up at the grocery.

Another thing I chose in 26 was to pursue something I'm passionate about.  Since college, I've cared deeply about human rights & the poor & the vulnerable.  Rob Bell writes, "Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force.  It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, some thing true and pure and good, something that connects you with God, with others and with the world."  Can I be honest for a second?  I was scared as hell when I got the e-mail from IJM telling me I was accepted to be a Legal Fellow in Cambodia.  My entire life has been about choosing what's easy and what's expected.  I went to law school which was probably expected since my Dad is an attorney.  I went straight into the family business which was probably expected because why wouldn't I want to work there and climb the ladder to senior partner some day. Why would I ever give up a good salary and good benefits in a place that was familiar and comfortable?  But that scary moment when I mustered all the courage I had in this little body of mine, I told my Dad I was leaving.  I stated with shaky confidence that I had decided to move to Cambodia, the place furthest from home, a place I knew would be hard and uncomfortable to do some really difficult, life-changing work.  So here I am, a year later living in Cambodia and loving it and struggling in the messes of life.  It's not easy.  It's. Not. Easy.  I've cried at their stories, literally laying my head down on my desk and allowing the tears to come & come & come.  I've seen sickening pornography.  I've seen the pictures of the used condoms & the dirty beds & the perpetrators who destroy lives.  I've touched & seen & experienced tragedy first hand. I've read their sweet names and wondered what they were like before someone exploited them.  I've seen their innocent faces. I've seen lives destroyed & I've seen hope flourish & the human spirit rise above horrendous circumstances and soar.  I can't even tell you the things I've seen that I can never un-see.  But I am doing work that is good & true & hopefully in some small way brings Heaven crashing into earth.  I feel connected to God, in a deep and intimate way.  He is my strength and quite literally the lifeline that allows me to take a breath after reading one story after another.

So what I'm trying to say is that 26 was a good year, my friends. Good and hard, but good is sometimes hard.  God never intended life to be easy, but He did intend that I grow.  And every day, I pray that I look more like Jesus and less like the messed up person who deserved death on a cross instead.  So as I embark upon 27, I'm thankful for these truths that I've packed away and am carrying with me always.

I've learned (and am continuing to learn) to love myself.

I've learned to embrace community.

And I'm doing something that is so, so good.

It is well with my soul friends.

It's not easy & I cry a lot & I miss you all, but His grace is sufficient...so don't you worry about me.